insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
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WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
CUTE CAT‼︎
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.