[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
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Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Jurassic park gets weird
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed