honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
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Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
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I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week