Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
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[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”