thinking about a very short hotdog
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I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.