you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
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[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE