What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
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Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
synchronized noseblowing
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want