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Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
#CoronaOutbreak
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.