Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
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This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Happy Thanksgiving
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry