I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
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I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven