I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
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I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team