I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
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If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on