WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
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A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink