Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
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I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”