Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
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Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago