if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
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[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.