I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
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Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
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If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
time machine? you mean a clock?
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN