This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
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Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun