Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
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I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Breaking news:
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”