[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
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[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Cow it started Cow it’s going
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*