I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
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Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.