Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
You Might Also Like
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
The human personality is made of five key elements
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.