I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
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If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.