Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
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Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you