doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
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In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.