Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
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HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
best review i’ve ever seen
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix