I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
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nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Time heals everything 🙂
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes