I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
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Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later: