I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
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Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I wish I could veto my bills.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
I am crying
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.