Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
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Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.