If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
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Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Just a bush.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
just got my engagement photos
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.