Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
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Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…