me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
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The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
We’ve all been there…
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.