Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
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george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Reporter: *ports again*
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop