Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
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Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.