Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
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Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
We’ve all been there
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Is….Is this an option?
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”