Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
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me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn鈥檛 see the pothole in the road, so that鈥檚 on me.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 馃槈
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 馃檨
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door鈥檚 always open.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.