You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
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If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.