I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
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I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.