Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
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Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Florida man
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
If you know, you know
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.