Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
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Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
#ProTip
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.