Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
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I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine