My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
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[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?