My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
You Might Also Like
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.