SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
You Might Also Like
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Ironic
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.