Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
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Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.