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It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
saving face 👀
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles