You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
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Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
sleeping beauty
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Social distancing in Australia:
They’re not wrong
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Van Gone
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Seems a bit forward
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No