My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
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*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out