WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
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In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
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Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom